Excerpts from Prof. Hubley’s Dictionary of Horn Things

Excerpts from Professor Hubley’s Dictionary of Horn Things 

Prof. F. Hubley, BM, MM, DMA, PhD, LLB, MBE, TVA, BVD (Oxon), LOL, BRB, ROTFL, after a short but mostly brilliant career with some of the world’s practically sort-of leading orchestras, is now an extinguished faculty member of Zeitgeist University, where he teaches horn, spot welding, and underwater beer can sculpture. He is considered to be the leading expert of the agricultural uses of the pre-cambrian hocket.

INTRODUCTION by Prof. Hubley

It has come to my attention (last night, as a matter of fact) that despite the ever-increasing amount of knowledge about the horn and horn-playing, that there is a concomitant confusion about the basics of horn playing and about what is sense or nonsense about the horn. It is the purpose of my new book (excerpted here to increase sales) to alleviate the confusion, establish once and for all the truths of the horn, and get me promoted to full professor. Finally.

STOPPED HORN

There has been much pandemonium and general ado of late about the question of stopped horn. As far as I am concerned, everybody misses the point: what is really important is not the stopping of the horn but rather the starting of the horn. Everyone knows who difficult this is on cold mornings. Stopping is easy – starting is what everyone needs to work on. I once had a colleague, an expert stopper, who did such a magnificent job of stopping on the first page of Mahler’s 4th that it was months before he could start again. What happened was that he got his hand so securely wedged inside the bell that he was unable to remove it. Doctors tried everything to no avail. Finally he went to a repairman to have the bell sawed off. He is now reasonably pleased with the new flat case for his horn, but the bell is still on his wrist and he must pass it off as a bracelet when he is not playing. It causes real difficulties only in eating soup and on crowded buses.

SINGLE F HORN

The most difficult of all instruments to play. Presently attempted only by absolute beginners and the Viennese.

SMALL BORE

One who prattles on too much about the virtues of his Geyer, Schmidt, etc. Not nearly as obnoxious as the LARGE BORE who runs on about his 8D, Holton, etc.

TONGUING

It is all a matter of using the proper syllable. Id est: for single tonguing, say too or do. However, there may be times when you will need two (2), to, due, or dew. For double tonguing, there are several approaches, depending on the desired nuance: “goody”; “critic”; “kitty.” Cat owners usually excel at double tonguing. Dog owners may obtain somewhat limited results (both with tonguing and the dog) by going “doggadoggadogga…” For triple tonguing, try “ducky down”, “take a trip”, or “critical.” For quadruple tonguing: “turkey dirty”. For quintuple (and higher) tonguing, make up your own combinations from the above, e.g.: goody ducky down, turkey dirty too, kitty take a trip.

PERFORMANCE NERVOUSNESS, HOW TO DEAL WITH

I always take a good slug of advice from Prof. Jack Daniels, or from his colleagues, Profs Beam or Walker. The only minor problem associated with this is sometimes forgetting to show up to play, which also solves the original problem, whatever that was.

ATTACKS

Are what I suffer without the advice of Prof. Daniels

BREATHING

You gotta be kidding.